I wish life had little blips of pornography
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
