It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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