Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
