I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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