Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
