that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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