Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
