my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
whose parrot is this?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wear drunk well.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
