i don't like sucking hair
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
