You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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