Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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