Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
