and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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