thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
