Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
