puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
