Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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