The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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