The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
