I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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