my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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