I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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