he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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