i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I need moral support for this bender
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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