Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
