I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
