If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
