I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
