I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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