After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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