We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
