Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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