Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My vagina just recognized that song.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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