did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
