This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
