Can i not drive my cunt home
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
