so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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