Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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