If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
