If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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