Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
