Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
