i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
