when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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