Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
