EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
