I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
