i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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