you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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