thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
