i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i think my cat just said my name.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
